I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression