[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
You wish you had this many chins.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I feel this so hard
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy