[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.