Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
an airline just for babies.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.