Friday night party time 🥳
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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster