Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
crazy
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem