Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You Might Also Like
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Yep.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.