I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
constantly working on myself.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
? 💀
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”