“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
You Might Also Like
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I can’t stop watching this.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”