[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*seductively winces due to lower back pain