Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Spa day..😅
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Ferrari squats
December birthdays be like…
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.