Guilty! 🤪
You Might Also Like
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’ve been drinking.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”