Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 馃槅馃槅
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly鈥ot bad鈥t should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Things I鈥檓 leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can鈥檛 have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am ros茅 pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife鈥檚 birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you鈥檙e going through the car wash, without a car.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can鈥檛 show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: Hope it鈥檚 ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.