“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
S M O L
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”