Halloween cuteness.. đ
đ„ IG: mr.smokey21
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911: whatâs your emergency
Me: I canât find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* thatâs how I lost it
Whatcha doing?! đđ€Łđ¶
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
HER: Take a shower with me. đ
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. đ[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, Iâve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isnât made into a game for children to play.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said âRROOOOOAAARRR!!!â
It was a penguin.
Yes Iâve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me itâs probably cupcakes.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. Iâm still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called âsoupcasesâ.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because theyâre for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I amâŠDriving a forkliftâŠSipping a beerâŠLifting up my boss’s carâŠ
Iâm no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ainât gonna look like that for long.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
We live by the school and my tweenâs friends keep dropping by for food. Like Iâm a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.