who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.