Hell yeah 👍
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome