If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
How to woo a woman
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Note to self: always read the final line
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.