HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Customer is always right
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind