I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You Might Also Like
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
why would tinder want me to say this
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.