Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
japanese corn
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Spider-cat: No One Home
Who.
Did.
This?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.