β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos couldβve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
every. time.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo π€·ββοΈ
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Iβm in quicksand and then I realize itβs actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize thereβs no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I just realized that Iβm using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boyβs entire family.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself