I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up