I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”