I like being married but not every day.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughterβs piano recital
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
βHow old are youβ Fine thanks, how old are you
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighborβs lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here