I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.