I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
In case you needed to hear it:
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Order here:
More here:
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out