If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that