If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*