Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya