Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

*puts my mental health in rice

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.