Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Still my favourite meme.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.