I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
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Judge, βWhy are you holding a fire extinguisher?β
Me, βYour Honor, itβs for our protection. The witness wonβt stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.β
Des Moines Police having a normal one
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What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went βwhat? No bless yous for Giacomo?β
Eventually thereβll be another civil war and youβll still have to go into work.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, itβs a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: Iβll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Donβt you mean βIβll do it sooner or laterβ?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
…..pretty much.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams βfan out!β and we all do.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.