I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?