interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
💁🏻♂️
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Double negatives are never not confusing.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer