Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
You Might Also Like
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people