Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
$4 #usedbooks
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”