Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go