just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.