Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
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Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Oops
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
¯_(ツ)_/¯