Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I love the National Park Service.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]