LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Poetry is my passion
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Happy thanksgiving!
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight