Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
i want to work in this restaurant
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.