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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A friend sent me this.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is