Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Breakfast for Stoners: