Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
this has done me in for some reason
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Feels like there should be a middle ground