Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol