Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
You Might Also Like
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
reviewed some movies recently
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.