COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My Sentiments Exactly
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: my friends:
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person