MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
🤔😂😂
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”