My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year