My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.